I am a mom to 4 and gram to 3, I spaced my children out enough that I did not have 2 in diapers at once and I had my youngest pretty late in life so some days my house will be bursting with babes…. Today my youngest is in school but I have my three monkeys for the day and my little neighbor girl for a few hours….. Today is also Halloween so these guys are AMPED! Their energy is amazing, but a bit overwhelming at times. My days with them are mostly filled with food, one is always hungry- literally…. I just make food over and over and over, I do get breaks though- sometimes they crap their pants. I am obviously understating my time….. Considering I am typing right now. Sometimes, they all are entertained at once and not talking to me at all….. That’s not what is happening right now- right now I am shooing them away because I need to unload a few feelings! Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t trade my time with these babes for anything in the world they are so important to me. Because of my anxiety I do my best to look at my days with them as a comedy in the making… I know that at the end of the day all I will want to do is flip everyone off… but right now the time they spend with me will one day be all they have of me. Now- I am also a person who loves solitude, I have to take time outs…. Sometimes it’s a hell of a balance between shutting myself off and time out. Part of it though is perspective and I control the narrative of my life. My biggest challenge is the noise how do I change the noise from a negative to a positive… It is such an effort at times- but there are times with these boys that it leaves. Rocking them to sleep, watching them learn and the neurons connect. I can’t lie I watch all my children and grandchildren for signs they have my flaw. I worry that my depression and anxiety are equally nature and nurture and I can’t change the genetic component but I can help them with coping skills. I am ok being the crazy grama, I had one and she was such an important part of my life! I do not mean she was clinically insane, I mean she was fun and animated, she loved to sing crazy songs and who knows maybe she was battling things she didn’t talk about- but that’s not what I remember. I remember a fun, amazing, loving and nurturing grama and that is how I hope to be remembered one day. Now, my daily unload has to be done… they are all screaming at the top of their lungs and chasing each other…. The shit show is back in session and my heart is full, sometimes a second to center myself is all I need.