Shrugs and Monkeys

It is that time of morning, a little earlier today-It’s friday and E does not have school.  Today I only have 2 of my monkeys. The way the world is today young adults can’t afford daycare, that is why I have my monkeys as much as I do.  It is such a filling and rewarding feeling even when my sanity feels on the verge. One thing I am learning in my quest, is that I forgot how to let myself feel joy. The immense feeling of dread and doom was so heavy, and there was and is so much shame in that.   Having these kids help me stay in the moment but still safe at home. Leaving the house is so overwhelming and being the over thinker that I am (what an oxymoron- a chronic over thinker that has issues stringing her thoughts together- how does that work?🤷) its exhausting! I worry about what I will have to say if anyone talks to me, people stress me out🙈.  After spending years being having something continually pounded in your head, even when you know it’s not true it affects you. The thing is my traumatic event is over, it has been for a few years but I haven’t been able move forward. The years of psychological trauma all came to a head and dishonesty won, I can tell you the day I lost hope in myself, the day that all that all those negative labels I had been given over the years were proven right. Just thinking of that day I become physically ill, the nausea is real. For a few years that day was replayed over and over in my head and I was lost.  At some point, I will write about it but today my focus is on being present and loving these fantastic little monsters. What will their memory of me be? There is so much joy to be felt and I miss that feeling, it’s all about finding a balance now. Freedom from judgement and negativity- what a beautiful life that would be. I made a commitment to write daily and it feels so good. I will use it as a daily therapy, it feels really good! Tomorrow marks the start of a count down to something big….. An adventure, one that I will also blog about, it is going to be FUN! But, for now I have to feed these screaming mouths again- I wouldn’t change a thing!

It’s also the first of November🍁…. I always see those thankful posts, one one each day of the month and I think that it is a good challenge…. So to roughly on theme with today’s blab, I am thankful for my youngest grand. He had a rough entrance and had to undergo surgery days after birth to repair a blocked intestine. It was a scary time but this kid is such a tough,perfect, amazing blessing. He is so easy and happy… one of the happiest babies I have ever seen and he is thriving, it is only a matter of time before he makes his big brother the littler one. I am thankful💗

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