Can’t nap…

Sundays this time of year are meant for warm fires, hot tea, a good book and maybe even a nap. I have read so few books recently, I seem to be more interested in weaving my own tale and slaying my own demons. If you have read any of my other posts you know my biggest challenge in that is getting out of my own head but running a very close second is self confidence and self doubt. The I can’t syndrome. It is more than a cop out, but it’s also a cop out and it has to stop.
So I am changing that…. I can challenge myself and meet that challenge. I can let myself live again. I recently read an article about trauma and that you may not have caused it but it is your responsibility to heal from it. I have allowed the pain and words of one person to dictate and rule my life. I got the courage to leave a toxic relationship but allowed him to maintain control over me years later, kids can be a very powerful tool in vengeful narcissistic hands. I can heal from the trauma I went through and it is my responsibility to do it. The article is full of insights but one of my favorites is the idea that it’s my responsibility to heal because If I don’t then an unfair circumstance becomes an unlived life, it is a point that really hit home for me. I can change that, I can prevent myself from losing anymore years of my life. It will be work, I am a person who has to be careful not to let myself go on autopilot and become the I cant queen. I can and will because it’s my responsibility. I am always looking for perspective so I challenged myself to write each day, today was day 5 and it was a challenge to think of what to write that was not a repeat of the other days, I want to get something out and move on each day, all day today I kept thinking I cant….. So as I sit here with a little diva yelling mommy at me every 2 seconds…. I can put my thoughts on paper, even if it takes a long time to form them brain to paper. I can put myself out there and not care what anyone thinks. I can be accountable for my poor choices in dealing with that trauma, I can change my life. More so it is my responsibility.
Today is november 3rd, I posted yesterday and forgot to post my thankful of that day… I am challenging myself to do it the full month so today I will have 2, yesterdays and todays.
For yesterday I was thankful because my second born had car troubles and it was my house he called. When he need a parent he chose me. I was not the only one who went through a traumatic event, my kids did too. I became free of him on a daily basis but they still have to deal with him. He can no longer use my second born as a weapon, he is of age and he called me. You always want your kids to know your door is open and your always there, I was made to feel like a horrid person by his father, I know I have been pretty torn down by him to my kids…. But I am still their choice- he can’t control that. It is an empowering and emotional feeling.
Today I am thankful for a nap, ⅔ of my monkeys stayed over and I was up half the night… it was not their fault, they were sleeping like little angels but I woke up at 1 am was so sick for about 2 hours, it was rough…. All I wanted to do was sleep this morning but I had to get up and be mom and Grama. I got loves and snuggles, tickle time, gave them baths, filled their bellies and sent them on their way with mom and dad. Then as soon as they left, I took an amazingly comfy nap! It was great! Today I am thankful for naps!

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