I think I have decided to change my post time to evening some days. I think sometimes it’s better to work my way through and to reflect on the day. Maybe drop a few lines here and there, that way I can follow my thoughts throughout the day.
As I putter around I think about the trip and how exciting it will be and why am I not letting myself be giddy with excitement, why can’t I get rid of that anxious feeling? It’s irritating. I have been so lucky to have my partner, he was sent in to my life for a reason and it’s time for me to start shouldering some of the burden I have left on his shoulders for so long. Leaving the house has become such a source of anxiety for me that maybe I have to do something big to get past it and this week is leading up to something that is on the bucket list big….. The Madame X tour in Vegas, it’s going to be so AMAZING!!! Outside my comfort zone for sure and I am going to let go and feel the exhilaration!! It will be a once in a lifetime adventure….Bu.. t before I can do that I have to get the house taken care of. I want to do my best to have the house in order and the appearance of a well planned, organized mom and housewife…. It makes me LOL to say that out loud. I am someone who gets comfort in organization but have yet to achieve a viable, maintainable system for myself. I know that my inscensent disorganization is something about me that is hard to deal with. Sometimes it feels like my house represents where my head is at. The more scattered I feel the more cluttered the house is….. But when I decide to clean I pull everything out and move things around. It is super disorganized and pretty irritating! I have been pretty irritated with myself and while it is not a super pleasant feeling it feels so good to identify a feeling other than anxious dread. This weekend I am going to do my best to live out loud and not withdraw inward. To reflect and accept that some things will be a struggle for me. Possibly for the rest of my life, but there are things I carry that I can get rid of. I will be doing a series of deep dives but I have not decided what day of the week to publish so I am pushing that back a few weeks. This challenge of daily writing will hopefully help me get better at articulating my thoughts in a way that is legible. The world feels electric again to me, politics are hot right now, when I am done with this I am going to catch up on the days happenings and the latest release of transcripts. We are living in a very surreal time or maybe I was just too self absorbed for the last 8 years that I did not realize how polarized the world has become. Today I am thankful for the ability to self-reflect and hope that this is something that continues to resonate with me and slow my turbulence because that is what matters. Reflection also tells me stringing random thoughts together throughout the day ends in a choppy hard to read word salad…. #learnlit