So I have not published a daily in almost a week, it was a goal in the beginning and leaving town bumped my rhythm. I have written everyday but I am having a hard time wrapping up each entry. I have also decided to start writing- hopefully- with more substance. Something people want to read and focus less on my head and more on creating something new. I do still think it’s important to keep the journal and some days I may need to focus on where my head is more than others- but that’s ok. I think one of the biggest things I realize the more I get the words in front of my face is the easier it is to think of things to write about….
But I have not figured out how to end what I am writing- I am now seeking closure. I know my mental health is cyclic, I am not bipolar but that doesnt mean I dont get lows and highs. For years the depression was my biggest combatant but after some personal trauma I realized I had a lot of anxiety that I did not recognize. I ended up diagnosed with PTSD less than a year ago, I had a really bad mental crash and completely lost myself for a good month- like the month just didn’t exist, I don’t have much memory. The further I get out from the incident the more I realize I have actually lost the better part of a decade. Blah…. But I can’t change the past and I won’t let the past define my now, everyday I let my mental illness win is another day I let him win, it’s another day I am not living to my potential! I know that can’t is a word I am trying to eliminate from my vocabulary- but in this instance its very fitting- I can’t change time that’s gone but I won’t continue to wallow in it. It’s time to re-enter the land of the living everyday, not just when I have no other choice. Now I need to go complete some projects, writing makes my soul happy. Do you know what makes your soul happy?
I have always known I wanted to write, since high school. I have started several stories throughout my teens and 20’s but once I went back to college and became a nurse and life became too busy to think about writing and when I finally left my narcissistic ex I didn’t get any of my notebooks an all that is gone now. Who knows if I could go back to any of those stories and find closure for any of them now. Or maybe closure comes in opening new doors, new experiences and new stories. Just thinking of all the stories in my brain is exhilarating, the only challenge is getting them down in a form that will interest people. What a great adventure it is, I have to remember that everyday. My trauma does not control my future, my mind or my soul and writing helps me calm the turbulence… As cliche as it sounds what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I almost let it kill me- now it’s time to find the strength and get back ahold of life’s balls!
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