Well, it’s been a week since I really wrote anything of substance. Thanksgiving was the day before yesterday so the house has been buzzing louder than usual which then means I am feeling more turbulence than usual. It is important to me to be as present as possible as much as possible but I also feel overwhelmed when there is a lot going on around me. I am a quiet time person, solitude is very important to me…. Lol- around the holidays that is hard to come by. The thing is, the writing is for me, for my journey and it is important that I dedicate time each day to do it… I publish this to a public page but there are only 2 people who know about it and only one who reads regularly (and holds me accountable when she notices I have not published). So she noticed I have not published in a bit and she made a very good point and I have to share the message because it made my thinkers start working! We were messaging about no recent posts and she tends to just get me, she related it to herself and how she feels she is being sneaky sometimes- kinda hit the nail on the head!!
“So I had to think about WHY I would feel that way. Because there are things I like to do that I feel like I have to sneak around to do. And I hate that feeling like im sneaking. It makes me resent the people I feel like I have to hide something from. So I’ve been thinking all morning about it. And I feel like I have this preconceived notion that they will not understand or will not be in agreement with what im doing. Not that they in fact really don’t like what im doing, but that i feel like they wont like what I’m doing (whether or not they feel that way- in my head they are against it). So i just see it as having to sneak around and not be open about stuff because of how i think they will react- regardless if that really ends up being the case or not. I don’t know if maybe my gut instinct is case by case or based on past actions- I guess it could be both. So how do we let go of how we think people will react and just do what we want to do without feeling sneaky or guilty???? I’m all ears”
I love when someone makes a point to me that hits the mark and things just kind of make sense! I feel like sneaky is a very appropriate word that captures several other feelings all mixed together- like guilt, insecurity and selfishness. I do want to be present with my family as much as I can and not miss a thing but I also want to zone out and just write for a while in solitude…. But what will I miss if I slink off into another part of the house. That being said, even when my house is crazy with the littles I can still write, when it’s just the kids they have no idea what I am doing typing away they really don’t care what I am doing as long as I feed them constantly, let them climb on me- the computer is just an object taking my attention- they don’t wonder what I am typing. When you add bigger kids and adults it changes- they want to know what I am doing… maybe sneak a peak and read. That straight up gives me anxiety…. What I am writing on here at this minute may not be something I want to share at this moment…. Or have to talk about!! Obviously, I do not publish everything I write, I have lots of things I am working on. The blog is something I am doing for me, for my mental health. It helps me sort my thoughts, let things go and it makes me take the time to focus on just me- that part makes me feel selfish. Since I don’t share my writing with many people because like I said…. Its for me, its mine, no one in my house read my blog. My SO most times just thinks I am bickering on FB….. He sometimes will as and I just say I am writing- I know he wonders but he doesn’t press me about it. I am obviously not hiding anything because it is posted to the public but there is always that sneaky feeling because I have not told him or invited him to read it (that is what I will be changing today).
All of this is because of preconceived notions I have in my head, what I think they will think. Publishing a blog is a silly idea, it kind of feels arrogant because its like I think what I have to say is interesting enough for people to want to read, they will laugh at my attempts because I really have no business thinking I can write…. Because the real reason I do it is to calm my turbulence and slow my mind….. Part of the reason I am private about it is because it is mine, if people don’t know they can’t ruin it right….. There is also trust- do I trust them enough to share it? The thought of random strangers reading it is far less intimidating than people I know reading it.
After reading her message and thinking about it the one thing that kept sticking out was that I absolutely felt like I was hiding something from my SO and the reason was on me. He has not given me reason to hide it from him. He knows I “write” alot but I have never talked to him about its calming effect on me or that I feel relieved after getting rid of everything. I know I can trust him with anything so I told him….. Lol I basically said “so I am publishing a blog if you ever want to read it I will give you the web address” and walked away feeling that mic drop because it felt really good. Not sure what I thought he would do but he just said alright as I was walking away… he may have wanted to say more but I didn’t want to yet…. I told him exactly what I am doing so I am not sneaking, he can read it if he wants! Lol… I may tell him I don’t want to talk about it if he does read and critique! I think if he does want to give me feedback I would love it but I would have to do it on my terms and when I am ready.