Today I am anxious. I am taking a step that is long overdue. It is one of the things I don’t talk about. It is something that causes me to feel great shame….. That damn shame. It is one of the most powerful tools in the wrong hands. Especially when you are someone who over- feels everything….. An energy sucker! It sucks to be an energy sucker! It’s pretty draining! I detest all things ex-husband related, I have a physical reaction to even the thought of dealing with him in any way shape or form…. Like ringing ears, bile in my throat, guts on fire. He is my biggest source of shame- he has used shaming against me since I was 19…. Even after I left him he still held shame over me. The words he chose to use and the mind fuck games that he has always loved to play. He was given custody of my children so he continued to have unchecked control using the kids as the weapon. What was even worse was my sense of failing my kids, I failed my kids! It sits so heavily on me, so it was time to take a step. I contacted my local legal aid assistance and told them my story. I told it all I told them everything, my screw ups, failures…. SHAME- all the shame and I needed guidance and I didnt know where to start. I need help. When the gal told me I met the qualifications and they would help me, it gave me so much feeling, feelings that until recently I had not felt in years. I makes me feel whole, free, real and unashamed none of those have been regular feelings for me.
Whole, free, real and unashamed…… that is a very good description of my goal. I feel like the farther out I get from my event, as long as I am working my brain…. As long as I am actively participating in my life- instead of just watching it go by; I am evolving. I am taking my power back step by step. Looking back at my life- I see the pattern, choices, mis-steps that lead up to my event. I needed a hard re-set and my brain knew it. Now I am responsible for continued forward motion. I feel like it is so irritating to have to be so thoughtful of everything I do, like I have to pep talk myself through things that should come naturally or that I have to tell myself I am enough on a regular basis…. But it is who I am and retraining my brain is a fucker. I know I have to be patient, it took me years to get here it won’t all change in a day….or in 8 months. I still struggle with my anxiety and constant feeling of doom, I do not know if I will ever shake either of them but I will celebrate my steps forward no matter how small and I will always challenge myself to strive for balance. Balance for not just myself but my family as well, I need to advocate for them. My ex-husband is failing our daughter and I have been failing her by not stepping up, I will change that. I am not out for revenge anymore, I am not excited for what is to come because it will be overwhelming- but it will be worth it. I was dealt the shit hand in my divorce, my ex-husband is who he is and he will always be a jekyl and hyde- that won’t change. But it also won’t stop me, his words have no power over me anymore. I will take the steps needed for my girl. Finding my backbone is a thing!
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