In retrospect, the future…

As the year comes to a close and the stress of preparing for the holidays floats away I cant help but reflect on all the things I did not accomplish this year. It it so incredibly easy to go straight to the negatives, I did not write as much as I wanted to- I got side tracked, no time for my silly goal…… But here is the thing….. I wrote! I wrote and PUBLISHED- something I have wanted to do for several years. It has petered out since the holiday season started….. And I have been irritated with myself for it. Part of it is having a hard time deciding what to write about and some of it is effort…… I can see a clear goal of what I want out of this next decade. I am not one for new year resolutions- don’t get me wrong I will spend January and February filling out calendars, getting organized only to come skidding in sideways right about this time of year…. I just dont say my goals out loud. I don’t put myself in a position to disappoint myself….. But I also don’t put myself in a position to challenge myself too much. I have so much to work on, but I now make it a point to think about how far I have come since 2019 began- the majority of the change is not visible and parts of it are unexplainable but I am leaving the year feeling like a much stronger person than I entered it! I learned more about myself in the past year than I did in all the 43 previous years combined, most of it specifically in the last 8 months.

Perspective has been huge for me for the past year, I am always looking for a new perspective, it makes my brain feel like its getting used. It also helps me shape my own perspective and at times changes my outlook, it has also given me back the drive to know more, to learn. It is a feeling I did not realize how much I missed. I spent so long trying to just shut down my brain I blocked out all the healthy as well as the bad. I have decided I am going to set a lot of goals this year, some internal, some external, some I should have set years ago and some I may not know yet. I have reflected a lot on the past decade since this is such a big new year this year and the one thing that keeps hitting me again and again is that I spent the last decade just surviving- not that I was trying to survive because there were many times I just didn’t want to even survive anymore….. Now, I want so much more than just to survive, I want to live and feel and take risks- BUT implementing it is going to be the biggest challenge because people are a huge no thank you for me a lot of the time! My circle is very small and I prefer it that way on the same token I need to get more comfortable when I go out because it has become an issue for me to even go grocery shopping. I decided that making a resolution to become a goal slayer as evidenced by continued forward movement, accountability, focus, and increased confidence. I will do the things that calm my turbulence, even when it irritates people. I want to find a place where I feel like an emotional Ballet instead a psychological Jive, I am getting there- but… I also have to be realistic and acknowledge I may never completely meet that goal….. Some goals are only goals for the journey not the end.

I recently posted a meme that asks by friends to leave me one positive word that starts with the same letter as their first name to take into the new year. My hope is to get 52 words and use them as writing exercises, one positive word to focus on each week of the year if I do this not only will my writing improve exponentially but I will also be hitting on that continued forward motion theme that keeps running through my head, it also hits on that perspective chasing I can’t stop doing. I started the post with my word… it is Noteworthy- this year will be noteworthy and it will be week 52’s word. I would love it if you left me a positive word that begins with your first initial to take me into the new year. Happy New Years Friends.