A Bump in the Road

I started the new year with high hopes it would just roll with goodness and 12 days in I had a setback.  The sickness came to my house and my reaction was beyond ridiculous. I am very psychosomatic so stress makes my guts react, normally with puking but over the last few years my anxiety has become so overpowering that I turn into this ball of annoying sobbing puking turds.  My mind whirs my heartbeat is in my ears, my chest feel heavy but turbulent at the same time, my teeth are clenched, head throbbing and guts churning- its overwhelming. The last time I was really sick was when I self admitted to a psychiatric unit, I was so unwell and it was all my head so when I got sick Monday it was awful but when it continued all week it was terrifying,  I went to the doctor twice. They reassured me both times its a virus and not my head and that I need to give myself a little break. The second day the doctor grabbed me gently by the shoulders and looked into my eyes and told me I have to believe and that it will pass. I spent the rest of that day and the night sick…. But Saturday I was finally feeling well enough to get out of the house and not just to head to the doctor.  I had the sickness, I reacted poorly- and I probably will next time as well so it’s time to work on that tool box so if and when it happens again I am prepared. I know I just had a bug, it went thru my house and my sons whole house- I reacted irrationally. I can’t change that and I have to let it go, I cant dwell and let it fester in my brain about how and why I couldn’t control it and make the anxiety stop. I also know I am entering the rough time of my year. The spring, I love the beauty of spring but the spring is also when so many big changes in my life happened.  I do have tools for spring, I have known for a few years spring was a trigger for my anxiety. I know now the events that lead up to my admission, I know if something like that happens again I will react much differently. I just didn’t have a plan for getting a stomach bug- even though I have thought about it several times over, I knew I would panic….. Almost like I self sabotaged, set myself up for it. Even if I didn’t intend to I may have. I am so scared of ever feeling the way I did last year- I can’t ever let myself get there again. This was just a set back, I gave it a full week of my time. A full weekly word not even started…. Luckily this week’s word is really a good one, I had been looking forward to it the first two weeks! It is time to get my brain moving and those creative juices flowing. I have a Sunday to conquer.

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