The Rocks on my Desk

I am beginning to understand what they mean when they say writing is a process…. I have to adjust everything around me and set myself a tone before I actually sit to write.  I need to get my mind turning in a creative motion… I always find myself rearranging my rocks before I can start typing. It’s a weird habit that I have only recently noticed. I love my rocks, love to paint them and to hide them, I have several I just keep because I love them. My daughter is a bit of a rock hound so I have several of her special rocks on my desk, as well. I keep about nine or ten of them out on the desk in between my keyboard and monitor.  Right now, five of them are Sissy’s treasure rocks that she has found. Three of them I painted, and two of those painted ones are just words; one saying inspire… because I need constant reminders to look for inspiration and that is something I aspire to do. The other is my new favorite saying…. LIVE DELIBERATELY…. On purpose and with a plan. I have spent many too many years living passively and letting life pass me. The third rock I painted is a mask, it is weird and asymmetrical, nothing to brag about. I am not a super artistic person… But when I painted it, I was thinking of some tribal masks we have put away in a case. My gramps brought them back from one of his Earthwatch adventures 35 years ago… The last rock isn’t even a real rock, it is a plaster heart painted to look like a rock that says “Hope”, my mom gave it to me and told me not to lose it.  So I keep it on my desk to remind me never to lose hope. I think it was about 2 weeks ago when I realized that literally anytime before I sit to write I rearrange my desk- always the rocks! Even if I do nothing else I rearrange the rocks every time. There is also something about Sundays and Tuesdays that I seem to have a great deal in my brain to say. I just wish I knew what it IS I want so badly to say.

  Since starting #52words I have realized what a process it is for me each week; it is so interesting how one word can be such a challenge… Who is challenged to write about the word silly??  I kind of feel like the words are coming easy today because #1 the rocks are in the perfect order, #2 I worked extra cardio on the treadmill and #3 because my post scheduled for today (link at the end) was a good post to write. I enjoyed it.  I was able to make strong positive connections from word to person as well as feel a positive personal connection to that word. I have found that like it or not I have to feel my way through life- the good and the bad, the small and the big…. Whether I want to feel it or not- I have to.  I know I am not alone in this and I realize that every single human in one way or another feels their way through life. I just got really good at not feeling that, and when I open myself back up to it…. It is hard and overwhelming- it is not the easy way. Is it funny that just about the time I say the words are coming easy, the house explodes and that all the words seem to go with it…. 20 minutes later, the house was under control…. But the words seem to have gone out to play with the girls.  I think it was because of the five minutes spent chasing my small, horse-sized dog because keep-away with my slipper was fun for him- not so much for me and now my slipper is covered in slobber. Gah! For the last few weeks I have been working out six days a week, but prior to that, I would take my youngest to school then come home and work on my word for a bit but so much of the time I wouldn’t be able to concentrate…. Now I head straight to the gym. I am not a huge fan of working out… like I hate it.  I have heard all the junk about endorphins and how much it makes you feel better…. I am not there quite yet- but this morning after 35 minutes of hill climbing on the stupid machine…. So sweaty, my legs were jello and I sustained my heart rate in the target zone for the majority of the work out…. I actually feel the extra endorphins today. I feel good, and I know it is helping me navigate my way to whatever my current destination is right now. Since starting to work out, I have been listening to audiobooks to help pass the time and take my mind off the torture I am inflicting on myself.  I have been listening to a lot of self-help-ish books… like “Girl, Wash Your Face” (Rachael Hollis), “Cringeworthy” (Melissa Dahl) and one called “Love Your Enemies” (Aurthor C Brooks) as well as a few others and they were all good books! As I listen I think about their style, I listen to their advice…. I have had so many “AH HA!” moments the last few weeks at the gym. I forgot how much I love a good book and never before thought about how much they teach me- I mean yes, we all know school books educate us, but my fun reading has always been fiction. Always stories…. A few true stories over the years but I listened/read differently then. Now I try to see what I can learn, what new perspective I can find while I am torturing myself on the stupid machine.  Today is Sunday, my weekly word is scheduled to post at 3…. Do I really need a second post or should I save this for like a midweek? I have a folder called Sunday Mornings because I always seem to have stuff to say on Sunday… I just keep coming back to this post, I have a million other things to do, I am having a family dinner tonight…. I need to do house work…. But I just have words that need to come out.  

Sundays for the most part are just lazy days around here, relaxing, binge watching something, I am not sure what it is about Sundays that fills my mind with extra words. I have known since high school I wanted to write, I have started several books over the years…. Pretty sure i didn’t even get a full paragraph in on any of them, I can even remember the storyline for one of them.  Writing was not an attainable aspiration for me when I was young; my life was too hectic and unstable. My real calling was what I went after, and I was really good at it but sometimes your life takes a sharp detour and now here I am attempting to try something that was a teenage dream…. I differentiate my dream from my calling because I always knew I was meant for my former line of work versus “dreams are just dreams”.  I am at a time in my life that I am finding peace, I am finding my power of the pause… I am living deliberately on a daily basis…. I am ready to chase a dream!