Week 15: Slowdown

I scheduled my words week-by-week in January, when the outlook for this year was on a completely different spectrum…. Back then I was gearing up for a breakthrough year for myself. I have spent the last few years really working on myself, and when I scheduled this word I did it specifically because I knew I would need the reminder…. Normally we would be in the middle of spring sports, Easter, and I have 2 kids’ birthdays this month. April is a really rough month for me for many reasons, and I find myself just hanging on to get through it each year…. So I knew I would need to slow down; it was going to be my reminder that I am still after that power of the pause.  Little did I realize when the time came to write about it, that we would be in a world-wide slowdown. I kinda feel like this is the universe telling us we need to slow the fuck down. We all run like our lives depend on it; the majority of people rarely stop to enjoy what is around them. Have you ever thought about all the moments in life that just pass us by because we are too wrapped up in the rat race? I have taken a new approach to my word, I have been thinking about them for the week- pondering them. I stopped looking up quotes, defining…. I decided to free-ball it a little since the world is upside down right now at my house. We, just like everyone else, are home-schooling our kids.  I have a senior who is missing out on the end of his high school career and his final season of baseball. My kindergartener is carrying a heavier school load than her sister who is in jr high…. Different school districts are definitely doing better than others. My fella is considered an essential employee but they are working a week-on and a week-off. I have started dipping my toes back into the nursing field, unsure if I am ready to make that leap again, and on top of everything else, I have been sewing masks…. Because I can- they are simple to make and they are needed, and it makes me feel useful. I am doing a combo of sales and donations, I am selling them for enough to donate 1 for every 1 sold. I can confidently say I have given away just as many as I have sold. I have donated to medical assistants, CNA’s, and nursing homes. People have reached out to me from all over to donate and I have done my best to fill every order I possibly could. As a nurse I get the importance of PPE so it makes me feel useful.  This last week my co-sewer and I got an order for 100 masks from a local mill- we filled the order in a day and if there was one thing I did that day other than sew, it was think about this word. I thought so much about how life has slowed down so far in some aspects and sped up so much in others. I am easily just as busy as I was before the lockdown, its just in a different way. I am still having just as hard a time getting my word done as housework and feeding people has increased….. But over all my mind has slowed down, my turbulence has slowed, my anxiety level is the best it has been in recent memory….The week has been as big a shit show as ever, my ex-husband did his best to trash me via text, I missed my counselling via phone appointment, I spent 13 hours sewing and thinking on Thursday…. And let me tell you, spent all of Thursday thinking about this word and how it impacts my life- how can I slow down and enjoy this life in such a scary time….. How can I feel so at peace in such a turbulent time for the world?

That was the question that replayed time and again…… How can I feel so at peace in such a turbulent world? Has the world’s turbulence increased to meet mine so I just don’t feel mine anymore….. Or has my world just slowed down. I am not struggling as much for that pause, I feel the world’s slowdown and it feels good.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel the frustration, the irritation of other people. I am even getting cabin fever- and I am a natural hermit. I know my innate need to shut myself away is my superpower during this “stay home, stay well”…. I was super worried in the beginning because I do tend to shut myself away so much and I was just stepping out and going to the gym, socializing more. This could have really become a setback if I let it- I know that- but I also know I am just as excited to open our world back up as anyone else, there will be no setbacks happenin here!  I feel like I am so hyper-aware of everything right now- like how my kids will remember this time, this is a generation-defining event, my actions and response to this will greatly affect how my kids process it. It is my responsibility to help them adjust to this slowdown just as much as it is my responsibility to process it myself. Who would have thought random words could have such an impact on my life and how I look at it. I knew I would love the word slowdown, I am so obsessed with the power of the pause…. But this was absolutely not even remotely close to what I thought I would be writing about rightnow. Yet here we are, all in the middle of a worldwide slowdown…..

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